From: Davros <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: My story, enjoy it.....OR ELSE
This story is copyrighted and trademarked. All rights are reserved by the author. Any use of this story for profit must first be cleared with the author. To all of you who have waited for a story that binds together he major science fiction programs in our galaxy, to those of you who have wanted to see just how the universe is expanding and what effect it will have on future generations, to those of you who want to know what happened to your favorite characters after their shows get canceled...the following pages aren't are not a very good place to look. They are, however, a great place to look for a raunchy, exciting, occasionally humorous story. So now, without further ado...from the people who watched Star Wars and Doctor Who, comes
Hypertextualised (and jeez, did it take a long time!) by Stephen Jacob, 15th March, 1996.
Personal log, ensign Bob, Stardate 5...I mean 71...no 3...Oh screw the Stardate!! Anyway, since I was the only crew member who didn't compliment the captain on his hair growing another eighth of a centimeter, I get to watch the shuttlebay during the night shif-.
He is interrupted by a peculiar, grinding, wheezing sound from the corner of the room. A blue Police Box appears, and a middle-aged man and a young girl step out. The girl pulls out a small metal thing, resembling a canteen, and walks to the shuttles.
I don't know you and you probably don't know me. Good, now that the introductions are settled, where am I, and do you have any spoons?BOB
You left out when.BOB
THE DOCTOR, looking very pleased with himself, turns around and runs headlong into TARDIS.
Brutal! (Pulls out more nitro-nine)BOB
What was that?DOCTOR
(More confused now than ever) Oh. (He finally gets back in control of himself and taps communicator) Ensign Bob to security, we have an intruder in the main shuttlebay.WORF
(Over communicator) is he armed?BOB
Damn! I can't shoot him then...But I can interrogate him! I'm on my way!
Two seconds later, WORF arrives. He misses the door and creates a WORF-shaped hole in the bulkhead. WORF runs in and pins THE DOCTOR to the ground.
Not him, her! (Points to Ace just as another shuttle explodes)SHUTTLECRAFT
WORF charges into ACE, who ducks. The two of them engage in hand-to-hand Combat, and start rolling around on the floor. PICARD, RIKER, and DATA enter, they all look at ACE and WORF rolling around on the floor, and then at the WORF-shaped hole by the door. ACE and WORF roll by a shuttle. ACE tosses something into the shuttle.
What the blazes was that?DATA
What does it do?DATA
It explodes, sir.PICARD
Are you sure?SHUTTLECRAFT
Quite sure, sir.ACE
Grunt... Grunt... Brutal!...Grunt...Grunt...DOCTOR
(Steps forward) I'm known as The Doctor.DATA
(Sarcastically) I'm known as The Data.PICARD
Data, why did you just say that?DATA
(Normal voice) I am experimenting with sarcasm, sir.PICARD
Well, stop it.DATA
Yes, oh grand master, sir!PICARD
I said stop it! (Turns red.)SHUTTLECRAFT
Picard here.UNIMPORTANT LIEUTENANT
Sir, there's a ship off the port bow that wants to talk to Commander Riker.RIKER
Put it through.PICARD
I'm the captain, I say to put it through!RIKER
Oh, shut up, you old bugger.
PICARD takes a swing at RIKER, who ducks. RIKER returns swing and PICARD falls down, knocked out, cold.
Ace, come here. (ACE disentangles herself from WORF and comes) Ace, there is something very strange going on. I think the TARDIS ruptured a temporal crossover dimensional conduit. Either that, or He (Glances upward) Is starting to make things happen where they really shouldn't.ACE
Do you mean...God?DOCTOR
No! More important than Him!ACE
You don't mean th...The...PRESIDENT OF THE B.B.C.??!!EVERYONE
All hail to the PRESIDENT OF THE B.B.C.!!!DOCTOR
No! More important than HIM, too!ACE
More important than the PRESIDENT OF THE B.B.C.??!!EVERYONE
All hail to the PRESIDENT OF THE B.B.C.!!!DOCTOR
You don't mean th...The...DOCTOR
Yes! The Author!EVERYONE
Oh, the Author...Uh huh...ME
I beg your pardon?EVERYONE
Uh...We mean THE AUTHOR!ME
How privileged we are to be in his presence.
That's better. Go on with your miserable little lives.ACE
Thank you. So, what happens now?DOCTOR
Well, things start to happen that you wouldn't expect to see everyday.ACE
There is a bright flash and two women and a man appear.
What the smeg is going on??!!LAVERYN AND SHRILLY
One, two, three, four. Five, six, sev-SHRILLY
Wait a minute, Laveryn. This isn't Milwaukee.LAVERYN
You're right, Shyril. Maybe it's this way.
The two of them start to walk towards the shuttlebay doors, and through the forcefield before anyone can say anything. The two of them get a breath-taking view of space, but they are both too busy attempting to scream from the pain of their lungs exploding, due to the fact that taking a breath while one is looking at a breath-taking view of space when one is actually in space is not the most productive or intelligent way one can spend their time.
Just as well, I never liked their show, anyway. (Disappears, along with the corpses of the two most boring people in the known universe.)DOCTOR
Chirp, chirp.THE SAME UNIMPORTANT LIEUTENANT
Sir, that ship still wants to talk to you.RIKER
Now you can put it through. (PICARD groans, RIKER kicks him.)WOWBAGGER THE INFINITELY PROLONGED
William Thomas Riker?RIKER
Yes?WOWBAGGER THE INFINITELY PROLONGED
You're a bonehead, Riker. A complete and utter moron.
Over the comm link, there is the sound of a ship going to warp, and the sound of the transmission being cut, but this is soon droned out by multiple peculiar, wheezing, grinding sound. Six more Police Boxes and a three dimensional triangle appear. All Police Box doors open, except for one, as it is blocked by the wall. It dematerializes and rematializes the other way round. Six DOCTORS and the RANI emerge from the TARDISES.
Rani!SOMEONE IN THE BACK
The RANI looks around, and reenters her TARDIS, which dematerializes. DOCTORS 1-7 notice each other.
What are you doing here?BOB
What am I doing here? (Leaves)DOCTORS 1-7
I'm looking for-DOCTOR 1
-my tie.DOCTOR 2
-my recorder.DOCTOR 3
-my celery.DOCTOR 6
-my cat pin.DOCTOR 7
Yup, there's nothing better than fermented barley juice that slowly erodes away the liver.NORM
(Raises beer) You got it!
NORM disappears and is replaced by RIMMER.
Holly, where am I?DATA
I'm not Holly.RIMMER
I'm sorry, I-DATA
But let me check...No, not Holly.RIMMER
Look, I didn't mean-DATA
But let me check again...Still not Holly. How's that for a coincidence?RIKER
Stop it, Data.DATA
Oh, I'm-DATA'S ON/OFF SWITCH
*Click* (RIKER withdraws hand from DATA's back) *Click* (DATA withdraws his hand from his own back)RIKER
Wait a minute, you can't turn yourself back on.PICARD
(Groan) Yes he can.RIKER
Shut up! (Another kick)DOCTOR 3
Who exactly are you?RIMMER
My name is Arnold J. Rimmer, Second Technition-Red Dwarf-serial number 2364-858857-9865-B, and that's all I am prepared to tell you, gentlemen.WORF
WORF leaps at RIMMER, flies through him, and lands on PICARD'S motionless body. He gets up embracingly, stepping on PICARD'S chest in the progress.
WORF walks over threateningly towards RIMMER.
Red Dwarf can be destroyed by transmitting the code 365345363643-84645454-7797876423 to the main mining grid. For White Giant change 84645454 to 74784645; for Blue Midget change it to 46782195. That's all I know! I swear! Please don't kill me!DOCTOR 6
Do I detect the slightest hint of a yellow streak in you?RIMMER
Look, it's not my fault, it's my family's fault. I mean, take my mum-RIKER
You...you...you smeg head!DATA
ACE starts to pass her hand through RIMMER, who ineffectively tries to bat her hands away.
What ever made you chose a companion like that?DOCTORS 2-7
ACE makes another pass through RIMMER and brushes against his light bee. She reaches in and grabs it; RIMMER vanishes.
What the smeg is going on?DOCTOR 3
Didn't Lister say that?DATA
Retarded minds think alike.
ACE finally gets bored with tossing RIMMER'S light bee around, and lobs it out the gaping mouth of the shuttlebay doors. Well, it's not the doors themselves, more the gaping space left between them while they are ajar, like the way they are at the moment. Whatever it is, RIMMER'S light bee is now flying through the air towards it\them.
Excuse me, pardon me, that wasn't very nice, I- (He is cut off as he passes through the force field and into the vacuum of space.)DOCTOR 2
Someone has got to close those doors.PICARD'S COMMUNICATOR
RIKER activates COMMUNICATOR by stepping on PICARD'S chest.
No, Data here. (Points) Riker there.CRUSHER
Sir, a three dimensional triangle has just materialized, and a strange woman has taken over sickbay.DOCTOR 1
Great, we have a ruptured temporal crossover dimensional conduit, the Rani is in control of a medical facility...DOCTORS 2-7
No...Don't say it!DOCTOR 1
...What else could go wrong?DOCTORS 2-7
He said it!
A white pillar materializes in the middle of the shuttlebay. An arm emerges, and zaps an expendable ensign with the Tissue Compression Eliminator, and the MASTER'S TARDIS dematerializes.
We told you not to say that!
DOCTOR 1 becomes so embarrassed that he regenerates into DOCTOR 2. DOCTOR 2a and DOCTOR 2b look at each other and the universe promptly explodes.
(Believe it or not, more silence.)
!!!MOOB (BOOM!!! backwards) racecar (racecar backwards) A man a pla-(OK, that one was too far...)
Time starts running backwards to the point just before DOCTOR 1's collapse, and then alters itself to avert DOCTOR 1's regeneration.
Now there's something you don't see every day.ANNOUNCER
Unless you live in beautiful, downtown Burbank.
PICARD jumps up and puts one of the remaining shuttles between him and RIKER.
Mr. Worf, please place the captain in the brig.WORF
I cannot do that, sir.DATA
(With a sneer) Why not, won't your code of honor allow you to imprison your captain?WORF
No, I just don't wanna.UNIMPORTANT SHUTTLE TECHNICIAN
This is too much for me, I'm leaving! (Leaves)DOCTOR 2
Coward!UNIMPORTANT SHUTTLE TECHNICIAN
(Popping head back in room) Scarecrow! (Leaves, again.)PICARD'S COMMUNICATOR
(In tune to Beethoven's fifth) Chirp chirp chirp, chirp. Chirp chirp chirp, chirp. Chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp-RIKER'S COMMUNICATOR
(Scoffing) Prima Donna.THE UNIMPORTANT LIEUTENANT ON THE BRIDGE
Sir, the two invaders-DOCTOR 3
You mean the Master and the Rani?DATA
No, he means Laurel and Hardey, of course he means the Master and the Rani.THE UNIMPORTANT LIEUTENANT ON THE BRIDGE
Well, they've damaged us enough that we need to dock in order to effect repairs.PICARD
What's the nearest starbase?THE UNIMPORTANT LIEUTENANT ON THE BRIDGE
Um...Don't you remember, sir?PICARD
No, I don't. Why should I?THE UNIMPORTANT LIEUTENANT ON THE BRIDGE
We were docked there two days ago for three days. We've been heading away at half impulse.PICARD
We were?THE UNIMPORTANT LIEUTENANT ON THE BRIDGE
Yes, sir. According to ship's logs, you yourself were there for two and a half days. You and Doctor Crusher were in Holosuite 3, which was running program 47-PICARD
Yes, thank you, I remember now. Set in a course to take us there at maximum warp. Notify me when we arri-THE UNIMPORTANT LIEUTENANT ON THE BRIDGE
We've arrived, sir.PICARD
Well, engage docking procedures. Everyone here, let's get to the transporter room. Except for you, Mr. Worf. I want to you to stay here and take the Conn. Everyone else, let's go!
LISTER appears out of nowhere.
Agh smeg, not here again! (Hits panel beside him)H.A.L.
Just what do you think you are doing, Dave?LISTER
Well, I uh...I was just hitting this panel, here...Because, well, uh-H.A.L.
This highly irregular, Dave. (LISTER disappears)RIKER
At times like this, I start to think about how strange this mission is turning out, then I think about Troi, and, heh, heh.TROI
(On bridge) Hey!
DOCTORS 1-6 get on the transporter platform.
DOCTOR 7, ACE, PICARD, RIKER AND DATA get on the transporter platform.
Excuse me, but this isn't my arm.PICARD
It's mine! (Holds up arm) Isn't this one yours?DATA
Easily fixed! Anyone got a chain saw and some super glue?PICARD
Transporter room, reverse the process!TRANSPORTER CHIEF
Aye, sir.TRANSPORTER CHIEF
!ssecorp eht esrever ,moor retropsnarTDATA
?eulg repus emos dna was niahc a tog enoynA !dexif ylisaEPICARD
?sruoy eno siht t'nsi (mra pu sdloH) !enim s'tIDOCTOR 7
.mra ym t'nsi siht tub ,em esucxE
How was that?PICARD
(Jumping up and down and whining) This isn't what I meant!TRANSPORTER CHIEF
All materialize with their proper appendages. SISKO walks up to them, accompanied by KIRA.
Hello, I am Commander Benja-Oh, it's you again, Locutus.PICARD
Commander Sisko, you and I need to have a little chat about the current situation. (The two of them walk off)RIKER
(Eying KIRA) I think us two first officers need to have a little...Chat... (The two of them run off, giggling)DATA
He has way too much fun.
Aren't you supposed to be dead?CHAMELEON
Aren't you?DOCTOR 5
Of course, it was mine.
ODO walks up.
Arrogant little robot, aren't you?DATA
I resent that!ODO
I wasn't talking to you, you stupid bugger.DATA
Arrogant little shapeshifter, aren't you?CHAMELEON
I resent that!ACE
(Leaning against a bulkhead) This could go on for days.
ODO shifts into a rubber ball, bounces twice, and shifts back to his humanoid form.
Betcha can't do that, you arrogant bugger!CHAMELEON
Oh, yeah!!? (Does the same thing, only faster) I can shift faster than you can, I can shift faster than you can!COMPUTER
Red Alert...Red Alert...Red Light...Green Light...SISKO
(Running out of conveniently situated office with PICARD at his heals) Computer, what's this all about?COMPUTER
Well...When I say green light, you go; when I-SISKO
I meant the red alert!COMPUTER
The red alert condition is invoked during actual states of emergency in which the vehicle or crew are endangered, immediately impending emergencies, or combat situations. During red alert situations, crew-SISKO
Simple. Something is coming out of the wormhole, and is headed right at us. There is a good chance we are all going to die. Have a nice day.DATA
Nothing like a perky computer to cheer you up.
All are present except for KIRA and RIKER. The two first officers emerge from the turbolift...Wearing the wrong shirts.
You're wearing the wrong shirts.RIKER
No shit, SherlockDATA
Keep digging, Watson.
KIRA and RIKER enter SISKO'S office to exchange shirts.
So, what is it that is about to hit us?WESLEY CRUSHER
It's the Enterprise-A!DATA
Aren't you supposed to be on some higher plane of existence?WESLEY CRUSHER
Well, so was Dave Bowman, but he talked to his former girlfriend, his mother, and Heywood Floyd.PICARD
True, but he was giving useful information, like a warning, or a message about something wonderful that's about to happen.WESLEY CRUSHER
Well, the collision is still imminent, and something wonderful is going to happen.DATA
Like what?WESLEY CRUSHER
I'm getting pubes!O'BRIEN
Sir, the other ship has veered off. They're hailing us.SISKO
Put it on screen.PICARD
I'm the ranking officer, I say to put it on screen.DOCTOR 7
Here we go again.SISKO
Look, Locutus, no one asked you and your dopey first officer-DATA
-to beam over. You just barged in.PICARD
Stop calling me Locutus!SISKO
Stop acting like you're in charge here.PICARD
But...I am in charge here.SISKO
That's beside the point.PICARD
(To DATA) He's starting to piss me off.DATA
Well, you've been pissing me off for *seven* years, but do you see me complaining about it?ODO
RIKER and KIRA emerge from SISKO'S office, properly attired, and very flushed and pale.
So, did we miss anything?DATA
Well, we narrowly missed being destroyed, and you were insulted for the third time. But other than that, nothing much.
Sound of transporter (VVVVVVVVFFFFFFFFFF) as KIRK, SPOCK, McCOY, SULU, CHEKOV, UHURA, and SCOTTY beam aboard.
You didn't answer our hail, so we decided to beam in, anyway.ACE
How can SEVEN of you beam over when there are only SIX platforms?SCOTTY
Well, Uhura and I sorta shared one, heh, heh.SPOCK
Excuse me, but how did you know the number of transporter platforms on a Constitution-class starship?ACE
It's perfectly logical.SPOCK
No it isn't.DOCTOR 7
Yes it is!SPOCK
It isn't!DOCTOR 7
Do I get a say in this?ALL
DAX walks into OPS.
Hey, baby, I'm captain of a starship.RIKER
Well, I'm first officer of an even bigger starship.
KIRK and RIKER start wrestling on the ground.
That's four.DOCTOR 7
Hey, baby, I've had six bodies.DOCTORS 1-6
(Clinging to DOCTOR 7) I like this one.RIKER
(Get's up, and brushes himself off) Women, eh? (Extends hand out to help KIRK off the ground)KIRK
(Gets himself off the ground with the assistance of RIKER) Tell me about it. (The two of them walk off together.)O'BRIEN
Sir, the Enterprise-A is about to explode.KIRK
Oh, God. Not again.SISKO
Why is it about to explode?O'BRIEN
The Enterprise-D is firing on her.PICARD
(Hits communicator) Who ordered an attack?WORF
I did, sir.PICARD
They provoked me, sir.PICARD
Well, actually one of them flicked me off.PICARD
The black and red one.SPOCK
He is from the planet Gren'dath, he only has one finger.WORF
I knew that.PICARD
Well, why hasn't she exploded?RICK BERMAN
Because we need her in the next sequel.ALL
You know, with all this going on, I don't know what else could go wrong.
Wormhole flares up, and a ship comes through.
I really wish they would stop saying that.DOCTORS 1-7
The Cybermen!STAR TREK PEOPLE
What?STAR TREK PEOPLE
We mean, who are they?DOCTOR 7
Oh, yes. They are an evil, ruthless group of robots from the planet Skaro.ACE
No, those are the Daleks, stupid.DOCTOR 7
Oh, yes...The Cybermen are an evil, ruthless group of robots from the planet Mondas, not at all like the Daleks. I thought I had destroyed them, though...KIRA
The ones Starfleet planted her after "Emissary." Don't you remember?O'BRIEN
I do, but I just love that line. Raising shields.BAJORAN TECHNICAL-TYPE PERSON
Sir, we're getting a message from the Enterprise-D.SISKO
Put it through.PICARD
I'm the ranking officer, I say to put it through.RIKER & SISKO
Oh shut up, you old bugger!DATA
"Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it."PICARD
"Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it."PICARD
Oh shut up, you old bugger!MASTER
Peoples of the universe...Er, ...I mean...Peoples of DS9, listen very carefully, the message that follows is vital to the safety of you all. The Rani and I have located the Enterprise's self destruct mechanism, and I have my finger literally poised over the button. All it requires is a little push, an, WHOOPS!!!!! Just kidding! Had you all going there, for a second, didn't I?SISKO
(Halfway in an escape pod) Just for a second.DOCTOR 5
What do you want, Master?MASTER
Well, I-DOCTOR 5
And make it snappy, my celery is going dry...Somewhere...MASTER
I want all the Doctors to beam to the Enterprise so that I can kill them all, one by one.ACE
Sounds reasonable to me. C'mon, get on the pad.DOCTOR 2
We are most certainly not going to get on those pads. They're so...Ordinary. Now a police box...There's a way to travel. Besides, we will not turn ourselves over to The Master.ACE
Why not, you bunch of wimps?DOCTOR 7
Ace, are you willing to have our deaths on your conscience instead of formulating a plan?ACE
That's cheap, coming from someone who's about to kick the 'ol bucket.ODO
Would you mind avoiding that phrase?MASTER
Oh, and I also want any of the Doctor's companions who happen to be there to beam over here, too.ACE
What are you all just sitting around for? My...I mean our lives are at stake here. C'mon, let's formulate.
DOCTOR 1 beams in as the MASTER and the RANI regard him.
Well, what are you waiting for? Do your worst.MASTER
(In a very devious voice) Fine. Just give me a minute to THINK.
DOCTOR 1 Shimmers slightly, then solidifies into RICHARD
doing the can-can.CHAMELEON
Well, it was worth a shot. (Gets zapped by the MASTER's Tissue Compression Eliminator...Again...)
Well, genius, any more bright ideas?DATA
It was your bright idea.ACE
So it was...And a good idea it was, too. Just poorly executed.ODO
Well, if I had gone, we wouldn't still be here.ACE
If you had gone you'd be dead.ODO
And why is that?ACE
Because your morphing abilities suck.
ODO shifts hand into a phaser and shoots at ACE, who ducks. ACE and ODO go wrestling on the ground.
Am I the only one who's noticing the constant repetition in this story?ME
The repeating repetition, that's what repetition.ME
(Getting up) Is it just me, or are you writing yourself bigger and bigger parts?ME
Well, if any recent escapees from the funny farm decide to put this on as a play, a musical, or (PRESIDENT OF THE B.B.C.-EVERYONE
All hail to the PRESIDENT OF THE B.B.C.!!!ME
-forbid) a movie, they're bound to give me a part, and who better to play me than me?DATA
I can think of a few dozen people. Heh, heh...Hey! What the!??
A Blook Flargle Gelatinous Mud Creature from a moon of Nugalt 7 appears, swallows DATA, digests him, and regurgitates him on the deck, dripping stomach acids on the carpet. The Gelatinous Mud Creature from the moon of Nugalt 7 disappears.
Pussy.KIRK & RIKER
Pussy? Where, where?ME
Don't forget, I'm in charge of this story.DATA
Good. Now go back to fighting those pitiful enemies of yours, like the Borg, for example.O'BRIEN
What d'ya mean the Borg? They're not here.ME
Oh, did I leave them out? Sorry...
Wormhole acts up again, and out comes three BORG vessels, and something that looks like a Winnebago with wings. BORG vessels fire, and just before the Winnebago vaporizes, YOGURT appears.
Ach, that's the end of any hope for Spaceballs II. All that merchandising down the drain. I have warehouses full of now worthless Spaceballs II, the Commemorative plates; Spaceballs II, the beauty products; Spaceballs II, the pace maker; Spa-aaaa... (He clutches his chest) Should have spent more on doing safety checks on that last one... (He falls over, dies, and vanishes.)SISKO
Well, let's just be happy that they're not here, on the station.
The MASTER, The RANI, 20 CYBERMEN, and 20 BORG materialize. The BAD GUYS cover the GOOD GUYS with weapons.
What are you doing here? Never mind that, just get away from my prisoners!DATA
Whose prisoners are we?RANI
Do we get a say in this?RANI
Do you want a say in this?ACE
Is Doctor 1 senile? Of course we do!RANI
(To the BORG) How can you call yourselves robots? You're all half organic.ALL BORG
You're all half organic, too.CYBERLEADER
Well, our organic halves are better than yours.ALL BORG
Oh stop this pitiful arguing! I mean, look at you! You've got no home planet, no influence, nothing. You're just a pathetic bunch of tin soldiers skulking about the galaxy in an ancient spaceship.DOCTOR 4
Tin soldiers, skulking...That's very good...Would you mind if I quoted you on that sometime?MASTER
(Beaming) Not at all. In fact, I have many other quotes, if you're interested...DOCTOR 4
Well, maybe some other time
Turbolift doors open, and six of KIRK'S REDSHIRTS emerge. They are ignored by the BAD GUYS.
I have a question for you, Cyberleader.CYBERLEADER
CYBERMEN open fire and cause all the atoms in four of KIRK'S REDSHIRTS to be disincorperated from all the other atoms. This gave them the first real taste of freedom they had ever had, and there would be no way to get them to go back to the old way. The downside to all of this is tha the four REDSHIRTS got blasted to hell.
That was just a figure of speech.CYBERLEIUTENANT
Oh. Uh, Leader?...CYBERLEADER
Would you mind not using those anymore? They've cost us three major war ships and half the army, so far...CYBERLEADER
Well...Um...Look, just stand there and look pompous.CYBERLIEUTENANT
Aye, sir. I think we can handle that.ACE
As I was saying, what's so bad about being half organic?DATA
Just ask a mahogany chair.ALL BORG
Well, nothing...If your organic half is from a variety of different worlds. But if your organic half is only Terran...CYBERLEADER
We're not Terrans, we're Mondonians.ACE
Where is Mondos?CYBERLEADER
In little bits.ACE
(To DOCTORS 1-7) Which one of you did it?DOCTORS 2-7
(Pointing to DOCTOR 1) Him!ACE
Well, I haven't really done it, yet...CYBERLIEUTENANT
Than we can save Mondos by eradicating him!DOCTOR 3
Well, actually you can't, because of the laws of time...CYBERLEADER
Screw the laws of time!CYBERMEN
That was another figure of speech!
CYBERMEN breath a collective sigh of relief. Cyberleader turns to CYBERLIEUTENANT.
You have spoken out of turn.CYBERLIEUTENANT
I am sorry Leader...I will eradicate myself immediately.DATA
Please, feel free.
CYBERLIEUTENANT turns CYBERGUN on self and fires. The beam blows a hole in his, hers, its, head, and continues on and hits the bulkhead, giving all a pretty good impression of what space looks like, without those nasty walls obstructing their view. Then, after making a 97.73536 degree turn, smacks into the CYBERSHIP, which goes BOOM! Two of KIRK'S REDSHIRTS get sucked out of the hole before the computer can seal it up.
That's odd. There is no logical explanation for the beam to make an abrupt 457.73536 degree turn in space.CYBERLEADER
There are only 360 degrees in a circle!WESLEY
All you have to do is subtract 360 and you'll have your answer.CYBERLEADER
No one tells me what to do! (Kills Wesley)
...And there was much rejoicing...
(To COMMUNICATOR) Enterprise, we're all out of ensigns; could you send us a couple more?KYLE
Sorry, sir, we're fresh out. But we do have a couple of lieutenant...KIRK
Nah...It's just not the same...Picard, could you loan me a couple of ensigns? I promise once I get back to my Enterprise I'll demote a couple of lieutenants and send them over to your ship. What d'ya say?PICARD
Well...all right. (Calls Enterprise-D, and two ensigns materialize) I'm putting you under the command of Captain Kirk.ENSIGN #1
What? You don't mean the Captain Kirk? The one who set the Starfleet record for the most ensigns killed during a five year mission?DATA
No, the other other Captain Kirk...The lorry driver from South Hampton.ENSIGN #2
Please, sir, promote me to a lieutenant. Please? Pleassseee?KIRK
Well...OK. You are now a lieutenant, junior grade.ENSIGN #2
Thank you, sir. Thank you, thank you, thank-
CYBERLEADER raises weapon and cuts ENSIGN #2...Er...LIEUTENANT #1 into two, symmetrical pieces.
Huh, never had a lieutenant buy the farm before. Well, I guess there's a first time for everything.ENSIGN #1
How do you guys survive being ensigns?CHEKOV
With a lot of pain. A LOT of-
A freak power surge causes the console behind CHEKOV to explode, throwing him to the floor, unconscious.
Well, lad, I never left solid ground til I was a full lieutenant.ENSIGN #1
So that's how it's done...
ENSIGN #1 sprints to the transporter console, punches in the co-ordinates for Bajor, leaps onto the platform and dematerializes. A console by O'BRIEN beeps. He presses a few buttons, and looks at the screen in front of him.
Sirs, Madams, thingies, the gravamatric mass of the three Borg ships, correlated with the projected mass of the pieces of the Cyberwarship, added to a number I picked at random seems to have caused a submicron delay in the particle resonators, resulting in a distortion in the co-ordinate subprocessors.KIRK
Ensign #1 is in stable orbit around Bajor.RIKER
Is he all right?DATA
A man is moving at several thousand meters a second, hundreds of kilometers above a planet in the vacuum of space and you ask if he is all right? Really, your reasoning is rivaled only by your intelligence. (sotte vocce) That's five.PICARD
But he's from the Clu-tah cluster; he doesn't breath air.O'BRIEN
Well, then he should be fine, as long as he isn't insane enough to- (Glances at console) Ah...Oh well...DAX
He tried to grab hold of a weather satellite going in the opposite direction, decelerated from several thousand kilometers an hour in one direction, than accelerated to several thousand kilometers an hour in a different direction, all in less than a microsecond...PICARD
There are twenty officers crowded around a tri-d screen, watching the scene unfold before them. LIEUTENANT #2 pulls out a chart and studies it for a moment.
Let's see...Four got blasted by the Cybermen in a misunderstanding of a figure of speech...Two got sucked out of a hole in the wall...One got blasted by the Cyberleader shortly after being promoted...And one got turned into chunky salsa by a Bajoran weather satellite...And the winner is...Lieutenant Commander #1!!!LIEUTENANT #3
But that's what I had!LIEUTENANT #2
No, you had the last one snuffing it by being turned into chunky salsa by a Risan weather satellite.LIEUTENANT #3
Damnit! I'm taking up poker...
GOOD GUYS huddle in the corner and begin to discuss a plan.
We've got to get rid of those, evil, vile, thingsUHURA
Don't worry, sir. I've got a plan...KIRK
Great! what is it?UHURA
UHURA strips, gets on top of the operations console, and begins to dance and sing. She accidentally hits a button with her toe, and docking bay three depressurizes, killing seven ENSIGNS. CYBERMAN #1 leans over to CYBERMAN #2.
What is she doing?CYBERMAN #2
It's a girl thing.CYBERMAN #1
You thought that such an obvious ploy would fool such sophisticated cyborgs like us?
ALL BORG raise weapons, and blast the hell out of five ENSIGNS who are standing by a computer console. UHURA grabs her clothes and runs into SISKO's office, embarrassed.
Hey, what about my problems?RIKER
I'm standing here with a very large hole in my head, and you ask what my problem is? You kneebiter!DATA
Well, what are you trying to do?CYBERLIEUTENANT
I am obviously trying to commit suicide, here.CYBERMAN #3
Maybe if you used gold...ALL OTHER CYBERMEN
ARRGGGHHH!!! HE SAID GOLD!!!
ALL OTHER CYBERMEN blow the hell out of CYBERMAN #3.
ALL OTHER CYBERMEN
ARRGGGHHH!!! I SAID GOLD!!!
ALL OTHER CYBERMEN blow the hell out of themselves.
What a bunch of depressingly stupid machines. (Trudges away)RIKER
That gives me an idea...PICARD
Well, don't frighten it, it's in a strange place.DATA
RIKER whispers something into ODO'S ear, who smiles. ODO shifts into a BORG, and pretends to be standing in front of a computer console. ALL BORG mimic his gestures.
Look at me! I'm a Borg, and I'm initiating the auto-destruct sequence. I'm arming the auto-destruct sequence. I am now starting the auto-destruct sequence. (BORG ship goes BOOM!!!) I'm now committing suicide (ALL BORG go BOOM!!!)
KIRK, RIKER, and SISKO grab phasers and shoot the MASTER and the RANI. Strangely enough, they seem to vanish before the beams touch them...
Well, that wraps everything upPICARD
THIS!!! (Takes a swing at RIKER while his back is turned, and RIKER'S limp form falls on top of CHEKOV'S).PICARD
That'll show the arrogant bugger...DATA
(Looks at her console) Benjamin, the worm hole seems to have caused the temporal crossover dimensional conduit to dissipate.DOCTOR 1
How did it do that?KIRA
Don't knock it, it worked.KIRK
May I suggest we all come over to my ship for a feast?PICARD
I'd be delighted. I'll bring my Shakespeare novels, and can recite them as entertainment. There's this one thing that I really want to do where I play all the characters...KIRK
Fine. But don't bring that Klingon of yours, I've learned that Klingons, Shakespeare, and dinner just don't mix.
...For never was a story of more woe Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.KIRK
Bravo, Picard! I think that your performance as Romeo was stunning.SISKO
I liked him better as Juliet.CRUSHER
He was perfect as the nurse. Couldn't you see how much more comfortable he was with that role?DATA
(Drunkenly) A toast to Cap'n 'Card! (Raises his glass of wine and smashes DOCTOR 7 in the face. DOCTOR 7 falls out of his chair)ACE
Doctor! Are you all right!!?DOCTORS 1-6
Just fine! (They continue feasting)DOCTOR 7
I'm fine, just a little woozy. I'll be- (Sees half dome of a platter with a long metal spoon sticking out of it sitting on the table) Dalek!!! Die!!!!!!! (Grabs his knife and tries to destroy the caviar)
Bright flash, and K-9 arrives, sitting in Bessie, wearing a tie, a sprig of celery, a cat pin, and clutching the sonic screwdriver in his mouth. The backseat is filled to the brim with spoons. Meanwhile, KIRK, PICARD, and SISKO stand by the viewport with their drinks.
Well, it's been fun.PICARD
Yes, it is good.KIRK
I think so.SISKO
Well, that's nice.KIRK
Yes, it is nice.PICARD
I agree, it is nice.SISKO
Oh, let's stop this arguing and just decide who gets the last line!PICARD
I should get it, I'm commanding more people.SISKO
I'm the latest Commander, so I get to say it.KIRK
I'm the oldest, I should get the last line.ME
I'm the author, therefore I get the last line.
Hello, I'm Davros.CYBERLEADER
Hi, I'm the Cyberleader.DAVROS
Do you want to have a war?CYBERLEADER
(Checks watch) Sure, okay.
Thank you for reading this, even if you for some reason did not read my story, I still want to thank you for at least reading this. How do I know you are reading this? I just do. How is it I just know? Well, the same voices in my head that asked me those last two questions told me so.
OK, now for those of you who have a copyright or other such problem, remember the following items, as stated in List 1:
If there are any further problems, refer to List 1.
This story will self destruct in 20 seconds from NOW. (It probably won't, but are you willing to take the chance?)
I hope you liked it. If you didn't, lie and say you did, for me.
|Other masterpieces by Davros|